#27: The Anti-Self Help Life

Last Wednesday, I treated myself to an evening of me. Podium. Dinner.  Strolling.  Taking my time.  Book Hunting.  Coffee.

Book hunting.  Only that self help books are pulling me to them.  An hour of looking around, and yet, I end up choosing 'how to be happy books'.  What's wrong with me?  Am I depressed?  I just bought two self-help books three weeks back.  I haven't even finished them and yet I'm opting to buy another one.  But no, I'm not buying anymore of that crap.  Cos i had enough of their crap. Not to mention, they bring me to trouble!

If you look at the bestsellers in a bookstore, they either have that Twilight series, or anything about vampires, juvenile literature (which I like) or self-help books.  Why are self-help books popular?  Because they're manipulative.  They work on the weakest point of their audience, and take advantage of that so they can dictate a 'healthy and good' life as if they know who you are.  They lure you, with their persuasive words, implying how much they understand you.  They sell because they impose that they can help you by reading their books.  But really,  they're incapable of  showing the basic element of true guidance:  empathy.  They tell you stories of their lives as if they're parallel to what you're experiencing.  You are, at your highest conviction, trying your best to follow every step they're telling you, but you're left disappointed...not to mention, too bookish about life.  And at the end of the day, you start missing your old-sloppy self.


I did miss my old self and figured I wanted to read the bold and poetic stuff I used to read.  I was searching for Murakami and Winterson, but they're not available.  Due to the inviting arstyfartsy cover and unique blurb, I ended up buying Anais Nin.  Haha.  Not really my cup of tea, but what the hell, I can always say I've read something from her.  The preface. =)

And for that, I'm saying my thanks and goodbye to self-help books.  How to be happy my ass.  I say, go for the Cosmopolitan.  Fail.  Party, but don't drink and drive.  Talk and see your friends. Be more patient about your bosses and your HR. Phone someone. Accept. Listen to your Mother. Watch TV.  Skip work, but be responsible. I think, that's how I'll be happy.

#26: Life at November

Why do I feel like I'm retiring.  Oh what a shame!
I like how my spirit lifts for one to two nights, then gets back to my body afterwards.
How can it be more obvious that bring the past back to life is just another way to fool yourself.
When you look at someone, who do you see?
It's true that crazy things can hit your hard like a rock.
It's also true that to have fun times, you have to do those crazy things.
But it's also very true how temporary those things are.  But still fun.
I don't need to choose.  I just gotta do.
I pass as 23-25, I don't think I'm aging, yet.  I think what makes me age is the lack of drinking and travelling.
I can't wait for vacation.  I really can't.
And I thought I'm crawling through everyday.  What is the best way to crawl?  Can I crawl in any fashionable manner?
What am I talking about?

#25: Firsts

I've forgotten how fun it is to do stuff for the first time.

Like buy someone a drink.

Looking forward for more firsts.  And maybe few of the lasts.

#24: On love

Don't get me wrong.  I want to be with someone.  But I'm also being patient about it.

#23: Someday...

Someday.  You'll see.  No, this doesn't sound right.

Someday.  I'll be like you.  No, I don't want to be like you.

Someday...I'll get it right.

#22: Troublesome and yet.

I opened my eyes, and the next thing I know is I crashed into a car.  

Sobrang hindi na biro tong pagod ko.   Even on a regular day, I go home tired, sleeping while driving.  I got lucky this 1:30am that I crashed to a neighbor's parked car, and not crushed in between two trucks!  It's only now that I see the impact of how tired I am and how important my health is.  I actually prayed to God and thanked him that this happened.  To me, even if this seems like a disaster,  it made me feel how lucky I am still.  Yun nga lang, my brother Jeffrey said, this is what you call "shi* happens".  And yes, he's right.

I was rescued by my worried Mom.  And my eldest brother went sleep walking to help us out.  Suddenly, I felt like a 10 year old girl once again.  Helpless and in need of taking care of.  Its not everyday that you crash into someone else's car!  To me, it was very shocking.  I am still a bit traumatized til now.  I don't have money.  I don't have talyer contacts. I don't even know how those stuff work and how to deal.  All I know is I was tired and that I'm sorry, and that my body hurts and that I'm sorry.

Well, I didn't get the nagging that I expected...I just felt really guilty and sorry at 1:30am. My Mom said I should listen to her more and I should thank God and that I should rest and sleep.

Later I woke up, I got texts and calls from my brothers and friends who knew about what happened. They wanted to know how I was and were hoping I wasn't hurt. Then when I went down for breakfast and I saw the cutest thing:   my Dad trying to fix my injured, incurable Jane.  As if trying to revive a dead person.

I just really feel like...I don't know.  Supported and loved?  Troublesome and yet.

Well...at least this will make me stay home.  Good news for my parents.

#21: The Capture

Listening to Brian Eno's ambient music just made me listen more to what sound is really all about.  It didn't just sounded like the airport.  It sounded like the air we breathe, and that space in between.  You and me.  Feelings and emotions.  And imagination.  It sounded like a dream, or that moment you want to freeze.  Or the saddest day of your life.  Anything, especially the words you can't speak.

I never thought I'd hear anything as capturing and as moving as him.