#24: On love

Don't get me wrong.  I want to be with someone.  But I'm also being patient about it.

#23: Someday...

Someday.  You'll see.  No, this doesn't sound right.

Someday.  I'll be like you.  No, I don't want to be like you.

Someday...I'll get it right.

#22: Troublesome and yet.

I opened my eyes, and the next thing I know is I crashed into a car.  

Sobrang hindi na biro tong pagod ko.   Even on a regular day, I go home tired, sleeping while driving.  I got lucky this 1:30am that I crashed to a neighbor's parked car, and not crushed in between two trucks!  It's only now that I see the impact of how tired I am and how important my health is.  I actually prayed to God and thanked him that this happened.  To me, even if this seems like a disaster,  it made me feel how lucky I am still.  Yun nga lang, my brother Jeffrey said, this is what you call "shi* happens".  And yes, he's right.

I was rescued by my worried Mom.  And my eldest brother went sleep walking to help us out.  Suddenly, I felt like a 10 year old girl once again.  Helpless and in need of taking care of.  Its not everyday that you crash into someone else's car!  To me, it was very shocking.  I am still a bit traumatized til now.  I don't have money.  I don't have talyer contacts. I don't even know how those stuff work and how to deal.  All I know is I was tired and that I'm sorry, and that my body hurts and that I'm sorry.

Well, I didn't get the nagging that I expected...I just felt really guilty and sorry at 1:30am. My Mom said I should listen to her more and I should thank God and that I should rest and sleep.

Later I woke up, I got texts and calls from my brothers and friends who knew about what happened. They wanted to know how I was and were hoping I wasn't hurt. Then when I went down for breakfast and I saw the cutest thing:   my Dad trying to fix my injured, incurable Jane.  As if trying to revive a dead person.

I just really feel like...I don't know.  Supported and loved?  Troublesome and yet.

Well...at least this will make me stay home.  Good news for my parents.

#21: The Capture

Listening to Brian Eno's ambient music just made me listen more to what sound is really all about.  It didn't just sounded like the airport.  It sounded like the air we breathe, and that space in between.  You and me.  Feelings and emotions.  And imagination.  It sounded like a dream, or that moment you want to freeze.  Or the saddest day of your life.  Anything, especially the words you can't speak.

I never thought I'd hear anything as capturing and as moving as him.

#20: The 21st Century Vincent Van Gogh 1

This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

#19: 10 seconds

3-4 weeks ago, I asked myself if I was happy.  2 hours ago, I asked myself why don't I have the habit of bringing in an umbrella.  A minute before I left my house, I wondered why I'm fine having no umbrella despite the bi-polar weather. 5 minutes before the mass ended, the rain poured like hell.  1 minute before the mass ended, I had a plan to run for my life.  2 blocks away, there is my car.  10 second sprint under the pouring rain.

And just like that, I had the answers to my questions.  Firstly, I am genuinely happy...and I am, even if I don't expect myself to be.  And secondly, because it's simply just more fun to have no umbrella.

I don't know if I suddenly just felt like a child again, giggling under the pouring rain.  Or was it just a good day.  Or it was God's grace I literally felt for the first time.  Maybe it's all the above.  I suddenly feel so lucky.

I love everything about my life now.  My friends.  My work.  However crazy my father is.  My mother.  My family. My weight (I gained 4 pounds).  My music.  My enthusiasm. My TV.  The stories.  Everything.