#27: The Anti-Self Help Life

Last Wednesday, I treated myself to an evening of me. Podium. Dinner.  Strolling.  Taking my time.  Book Hunting.  Coffee.

Book hunting.  Only that self help books are pulling me to them.  An hour of looking around, and yet, I end up choosing 'how to be happy books'.  What's wrong with me?  Am I depressed?  I just bought two self-help books three weeks back.  I haven't even finished them and yet I'm opting to buy another one.  But no, I'm not buying anymore of that crap.  Cos i had enough of their crap. Not to mention, they bring me to trouble!

If you look at the bestsellers in a bookstore, they either have that Twilight series, or anything about vampires, juvenile literature (which I like) or self-help books.  Why are self-help books popular?  Because they're manipulative.  They work on the weakest point of their audience, and take advantage of that so they can dictate a 'healthy and good' life as if they know who you are.  They lure you, with their persuasive words, implying how much they understand you.  They sell because they impose that they can help you by reading their books.  But really,  they're incapable of  showing the basic element of true guidance:  empathy.  They tell you stories of their lives as if they're parallel to what you're experiencing.  You are, at your highest conviction, trying your best to follow every step they're telling you, but you're left disappointed...not to mention, too bookish about life.  And at the end of the day, you start missing your old-sloppy self.


I did miss my old self and figured I wanted to read the bold and poetic stuff I used to read.  I was searching for Murakami and Winterson, but they're not available.  Due to the inviting arstyfartsy cover and unique blurb, I ended up buying Anais Nin.  Haha.  Not really my cup of tea, but what the hell, I can always say I've read something from her.  The preface. =)

And for that, I'm saying my thanks and goodbye to self-help books.  How to be happy my ass.  I say, go for the Cosmopolitan.  Fail.  Party, but don't drink and drive.  Talk and see your friends. Be more patient about your bosses and your HR. Phone someone. Accept. Listen to your Mother. Watch TV.  Skip work, but be responsible. I think, that's how I'll be happy.

#26: Life at November

Why do I feel like I'm retiring.  Oh what a shame!
I like how my spirit lifts for one to two nights, then gets back to my body afterwards.
How can it be more obvious that bring the past back to life is just another way to fool yourself.
When you look at someone, who do you see?
It's true that crazy things can hit your hard like a rock.
It's also true that to have fun times, you have to do those crazy things.
But it's also very true how temporary those things are.  But still fun.
I don't need to choose.  I just gotta do.
I pass as 23-25, I don't think I'm aging, yet.  I think what makes me age is the lack of drinking and travelling.
I can't wait for vacation.  I really can't.
And I thought I'm crawling through everyday.  What is the best way to crawl?  Can I crawl in any fashionable manner?
What am I talking about?

#25: Firsts

I've forgotten how fun it is to do stuff for the first time.

Like buy someone a drink.

Looking forward for more firsts.  And maybe few of the lasts.

#24: On love

Don't get me wrong.  I want to be with someone.  But I'm also being patient about it.

#23: Someday...

Someday.  You'll see.  No, this doesn't sound right.

Someday.  I'll be like you.  No, I don't want to be like you.

Someday...I'll get it right.

#22: Troublesome and yet.

I opened my eyes, and the next thing I know is I crashed into a car.  

Sobrang hindi na biro tong pagod ko.   Even on a regular day, I go home tired, sleeping while driving.  I got lucky this 1:30am that I crashed to a neighbor's parked car, and not crushed in between two trucks!  It's only now that I see the impact of how tired I am and how important my health is.  I actually prayed to God and thanked him that this happened.  To me, even if this seems like a disaster,  it made me feel how lucky I am still.  Yun nga lang, my brother Jeffrey said, this is what you call "shi* happens".  And yes, he's right.

I was rescued by my worried Mom.  And my eldest brother went sleep walking to help us out.  Suddenly, I felt like a 10 year old girl once again.  Helpless and in need of taking care of.  Its not everyday that you crash into someone else's car!  To me, it was very shocking.  I am still a bit traumatized til now.  I don't have money.  I don't have talyer contacts. I don't even know how those stuff work and how to deal.  All I know is I was tired and that I'm sorry, and that my body hurts and that I'm sorry.

Well, I didn't get the nagging that I expected...I just felt really guilty and sorry at 1:30am. My Mom said I should listen to her more and I should thank God and that I should rest and sleep.

Later I woke up, I got texts and calls from my brothers and friends who knew about what happened. They wanted to know how I was and were hoping I wasn't hurt. Then when I went down for breakfast and I saw the cutest thing:   my Dad trying to fix my injured, incurable Jane.  As if trying to revive a dead person.

I just really feel like...I don't know.  Supported and loved?  Troublesome and yet.

Well...at least this will make me stay home.  Good news for my parents.

#21: The Capture

Listening to Brian Eno's ambient music just made me listen more to what sound is really all about.  It didn't just sounded like the airport.  It sounded like the air we breathe, and that space in between.  You and me.  Feelings and emotions.  And imagination.  It sounded like a dream, or that moment you want to freeze.  Or the saddest day of your life.  Anything, especially the words you can't speak.

I never thought I'd hear anything as capturing and as moving as him.

#20: The 21st Century Vincent Van Gogh 1

This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

#19: 10 seconds

3-4 weeks ago, I asked myself if I was happy.  2 hours ago, I asked myself why don't I have the habit of bringing in an umbrella.  A minute before I left my house, I wondered why I'm fine having no umbrella despite the bi-polar weather. 5 minutes before the mass ended, the rain poured like hell.  1 minute before the mass ended, I had a plan to run for my life.  2 blocks away, there is my car.  10 second sprint under the pouring rain.

And just like that, I had the answers to my questions.  Firstly, I am genuinely happy...and I am, even if I don't expect myself to be.  And secondly, because it's simply just more fun to have no umbrella.

I don't know if I suddenly just felt like a child again, giggling under the pouring rain.  Or was it just a good day.  Or it was God's grace I literally felt for the first time.  Maybe it's all the above.  I suddenly feel so lucky.

I love everything about my life now.  My friends.  My work.  However crazy my father is.  My mother.  My family. My weight (I gained 4 pounds).  My music.  My enthusiasm. My TV.  The stories.  Everything.

#18: The Power of the Remy

She is filled with wisdom and is a true visionary.  But what I love most about her are her stories.  She can tell me about how our first house was built over and over again, and I will never get tired listening (cos she does, and I'd always pretend like its my first time to hear it, haha).  People say I look like her.  I say, I try my best to be at least half of who she is.  She'll always be the wind beneath my wings.  I hope she knows how much I appreciate her.

#17: At the end of the day...

it's just a nose pierce.
And a little surprise.
And a delayed gratification.
And courage.
And freedom.
And this is it.
And...just a really cute nose ring that makes me really happy.

I really hope I get to feel and be like this in more things. Just jumping off to new stuff and do things I've always wanted.

One for the books.  More adventures to go. But this I profess, I won't get a tattoo. Promise. ;-p

#16: How did it ever get to this?

There's something so admirable seeing my Dad ever so relaxed, with his shades on, sitting as if he's at the beach or something.

When in fact he's just in our terrace, watching painters paint our walls Mocha.

And he's happy.  In fact proud.  About our new Mocha walls.  

And just like that...I'm envious, yet happy.  

I know I can be like him in so many ways if only I would. 

#15: Thoughts in Shower

Thought bubbles
Here and there
Thoughts in shower
Thoughts in my room
Thoughts
and nothing is heard.
But people think
They see it.
And so
The most predictable thing
happens.

Thoughts, only
they're no longer yours.

#14: On Dreams and Aspirations

Kv:  What if your dream is just to be the most beautiful person on Earth?
Ria:  Haha..I guess that's just...sad.
Kv:  Haha.  But you know, we cant really judge what's fulfilling or not.
Ria:  Ano kayang feeling non pag gising mo sa umaga?  Haha.
Kv:  Hahaha...Mmmm...(trying to imagine)
Ria:  I guess we'll never know.  Haha.  I guess we'll never know how it is to be beautiful.
Kv:  Hahaha..

#13: The Touch System

Daddy:  Anak, kunin natin yung libreng cellphone ko...ano bang libre?
Katrina:  Samsung Champ
Daddy:  Pakita nga kung ano yun!
Katrina:  Eto, o!
Daddy:  Anong features? (after reading...)  Aba, touch system pala eh!  Wow!  Touch system pa pala to, anak!  Okay ba yung touch system?  Touch system na yung sayo?  Mahal ba pag touch system?

(At paulit ulit tong touch system na to!  Hahaha!)

#12: Cathartic Weekend

This is the rest that matters.

When you're able to somehow know what's important.  Because you had time.  And you've thought about it. And you were serious when you say there is that space for freedom and choice.  And so you write it.  Then the next thing you do is profess it to some of the closest people even if you're not yet so sure if you make sense.  But nevertheless they believe in you and they think its a good plan.  Then to you tell you mother (this will happen soon).  For now, you go back again thinking you will have to work and plan how you'll survive day by day.  But at least now you have an end in mind.  And you're somehow excited.  Because you know what's important.  And that gives you the reason to carry on.

#11: Bitter sweet

Seriously?!

#10: Obsurd

The incorrect spelling of absurd. A reminder how overly incorrect and ridiculous it is to think that you are, in it's most cosmic form, enthralled by somebody. Whom you later find out is already married.

#9: Twang is just another something something

It was you just passing by.  And your lines.  And I've been shy.  But  I hope to see you again.

#8: Conjunction disconnection

I think of nothing.  After all, I'm not yet done.  I'm taking things slowly.  And the world is moving fast.  I just realized how much I need rest.  So, it's 3am and I'm up.  My heart is weary about things.  But I need to pray harder.  I took time to sit in silence.  Whereas I thought I know I could be better.  And so I just need to go back to work.  Therefore, I realize where I am.  I see how it's going to be at least for the next days. Since I'll be somehow ready.

#7: Please don't wake me, no don't shake me

When I wake up early in the morning,
Lift my head, I'm still yawning
When I'm in the middle of a dream
Stay in bed, float up stream

Please don't wake me, no
don't shake me
Leave me where I am
I'm only sleeping

Everybody seems to think I'm lazy
I don't mind, I think they're crazy
Running everywhere at such a speed
Till they find, there's no need

Please don't spoil my day
I'm miles away
And after all
I'm only sleeping

Keeping an eye on the world going by my window
Taking my time

Lying there and staring at the ceiling
Waiting for a sleepy feeling

Please don't spoil my day
I'm miles away
And after all
I'm only sleeping

Keeping an eye on the world going by my window
Taking my time

When I wake up early in the morning,
Lift my head, I'm still yawning
When I'm in the middle of a dream
Stay in bed, float up stream

Please don't wake me, no
don't shake me
Leave me where I am
I'm only sleeping 

-Beatles

#6: Last Night's Prayer

Please help me view the world with a different set of eyes.

#5: Work 2

My work is like this movie.  It makes me so afraid to fall asleep.  And when I do, it's a real nightmare-  Ohhh noooo!!!  What have I done?!@#$  I fell asleeeeep!!! Noooo!

#4: Riley

Riley is a rat. He eats leftovers and lives inside a shoe. He is what he is and he is content with his life. He enjoys his life, and he doesn't have to live long.  When you start comparing your life with Riley, you might get depressed over the fact that a rat's life is better than yours.

What is it about us that make us not satisfied with what we have?  Is Riley content with his life because he is a rat?  And we're not because we're human beings?  Is contentment the goal to happiness?  Or when there is happiness, we feel content?  What is so wrong about wanting more?  What is wrong about a good amount of ambition?  Why is it that the world was designed to completely nurture and support us and yet we we feel incomplete?

I don't know.  I can only suspect that Riley is happy and content because he is a rat and a rat's life isn't that complicated.  But in any case, if I do get to know the answer, I promise to write about it...if I'm still alive.

#3: My World is a Joni Mitchell Song

I did this in a workshop.  And this is what I found out about my world now...

The biggest continent includes my my students, my teaching and my family.
About the same size are conversations with friends and maybe, that 'spiritual' or 'philosophical' side of me now- reflecting about my dreams and aspirations and my purpose.
Followed by my degree or my studies.
Sadly, the smallest is my passion for music and arts.

And there I am, in a boat.  Trying to make the connections, not exactly the fastest way to wherever.

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
traveling, traveling, traveling
Looking for something, what can it be
Oh I hate you some, I hate you some
I love you some


I'm posting this because I want to remind myself of how I robbed myself of passion and life to cope with the demands of my work.
I'm posting this because this tells me where I am, and maybe its natural that my world now is like this, but I want to see it change.
I'm posting this because I want to prove myself that I can change and that I can live a balanced life.
I'm posting this because I want to see my world expand and grow without forgetting who I am.
I'm posting this to remind me to play the drums again.
And I'm posting this to remind me that I had dreams that I can pursue, despite.

#2: Captain America and Captain Barbel

I think the movie greatly exemplified some of the Western culture namely:

• how super heroes are made by their people or by themselves (democracy and the advancement in research)
• collaboration- most of their heroes work with a team of people who are also accountable for the success
• America as a super power

Our super heroes also greatly exemplify some of the Filipino culture namely:

• reliance or dependence on others to have super powers- swallowing a stone, holding a barbel, the need of anting-anting- without them, they're helpless 
• lack of collaboration-  Darna, Captain Barbel, Lastic Man usually worked alone, until they get caught by their families
• lack of originality-  Captain America- Captain Barbel, Lastic Man is like Mr. Fantastic, Darna dressed up like Wonder Woman
• Filipinos as the underdogs, yet eventually cope and win
• Our super heroes are usually poor and with a simple lifestyle- the love for the masa

I guess this is to say how the simple cartoons and comics are able to form a picture of our identity as a nation.  And right there and then, we somehow see what's wrong...and what's admirable at some point.

#1: Work

I realized that most of the time, my relationship with my work is like divorce...where I stay for the kids.